Have you ever listened to a song that did nothing but shove nostalgia down your throat to the point that it puts a hole in your heart? I guess I just can't help it.

As I was going about my normal business around ten minutes ago, I knew 'fold in, fold in, fold under, fold under'. Of course music is one thing that keeps me going, therefore I listen every time something bores me or is something I find monotonous. 'Fold in, fold in, flod under' was how it started, but I am taking a break because of my brain's inability to continue the monotonous function, and my heart's inability to fill its own hole in my chest.

A song came on you may be familiar with: "Set Fire To the Third Bar". It's not only a song; as some have songs that represent their wedding or their first time meeting, this song represents a little more for me. I can remember sitting on the floor next to two of my best friends to this day, and I was talking to you on the phone. Who knows about what. We both came across a song that represented our long-distance relationship with each other; we vowed that every time we listened to it, we would think of each other and how the time that we would see each other again was nearing. The lyrics go like this:

"I find the map and draw a straight line

Over rivers, farms, and state lines

The distance from 'A' to where you'd be

It's only finger-lengths that I see

I touch the place where I'd find your face

My fingers in creases of distant dark places

Their words mostly noises

Ghosts with just voices

Your words in my memory

Are like music to me

I'm miles from where you are,

I lay down on the cold ground

I, I pray that something picks me up

And sets me down in your warm arms

After I have travelled so far

We'd set the fire to the third bar

We'd share each other like an island

Until exhausted, close our eyelids

And dreaming, pick up from

The last place we left off

Your soft skin is weeping

A joy you can't keep in…"


These words are poison to my chest; They cause it to close up, tighten, and restrict themselves. All I'm saying is, even though you will never read this (or read it someday and not care), every time I listen to this, I hurt. I hope you enjoy every second of what you have placed within me.

I thought I had Everything.

I thought you would find me, and speak to me.  

I wanted to find you, and I needed to hear you.  

You were the light that led me to the place where I found peace.

You were the strength that kept me walking.

You were the hope that kept me trusting.

You were the light to my soul.

You were my purpose;

You were everything.  

How could it have been any better than that?

You calmed the storms, and you gave me rest.

You took my breath away.

Now, I just hate everything about you.  


Declare our past meaningless, and tell me how you disconnected with everyone who once mattered. Don't worry, we won't any longer. Especially me. I will never speak with you again. I will never speak of you again. But I will always think of you from time to time. I'm sure others will, too.

They'll be the ones to fill my chest. He will treat me right. He does. And I love him.

Thanks to you, I know the true feeling of betrayal and deceit. Thank you. I know to never trust you again. We had everything in our friendship, or so I thought.

At least it didn't get any further than it did.






August 6th, 2011